More than Useless

My insecurities have always been an issue for me. I have had painful experiences that have further damaged my self-esteem and I seem to have a skewed perception towards myself and the way others view me. At first, it was a struggle between modesty, confidence, and pride.. but then it became something more than that. Fear of rejection.. of inadequacy.. of letting people down and being an "inconvenience". Compliments turned into things people were just saying to be nice, and I'd even begun to feel awkward when I did receive compliments. I don't know how to respond anymore. Saying "thank you" seemed to me as if I were acknowledging my "successes" or more so, that I was boasting about how "good" I am. Simply put, I'm bad at receiving compliments.. and I didn't even think that was possible.

Well, enough of my backstory.. About a month ago, the college group service team had gone out to dinner and we'd taken surveys to find out our spiritual gifts. Things like this always make me feel uneasy... Back in the day, there were plenty of those pass-index-cards-around-and-write-a-compliment activities and I absolutely hated them. I felt like all the things written were lies or things people just wrote for the sake of writing something down.. and I just felt like there was nothing good to say, and this just zoomed in on that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a pity party - which is also what bugs me. Whenever I talk about my insecurities and someone says "No, but you are ____!" That is not what I'm asking for. That in itself makes me feel like I need to complain to a friend about how lowly I think of myself for them to spew up some nonsense to make me feel better. So.. I just don't talk about it. Anyway, my point was.. I was uncomfortable doing the exercise. Well, I did it and came up scoring highest in "mercy" and "exhortation". We were asked to share about our gifts and whether or not we thought we had those qualities.. I was at a loss of words, so I merely uttered that I hadn't thought much of what gifts I have because honestly, I don't feel like I have any -- even though that contradicts that I believe God has blessed everyone with a spiritual gift to use for His glory.

That day passed and I hadn't thought much of it.. well, what had actually inspired me to write this post was the phone conversation I just had with Jonathan about ten minutes ago. One of the things he said to me was "I think you have the gift of crying." Um.. what?? First off, I have acknowledged that I am a big baby and a "sympathetic crier", but.. a gift?? He further went on to explain with a bible reference.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15

I won't get into detail about the things he said to me, because the verse in itself is pretty self-explanatory.. but what an encouragement! Who knew my heavy heart would be a good thing? What he said made sense to me, but like I said.. receiving compliments really isn't my forte..

Long story short - the conversation ended like this:
"That's why I think crying is a gift, and that you have it."
"Well, in that case.. I am good at that."

As odd as this all sounds.. it was comforting.. maybe I am a little more than useless. :)