"What do I do next?"

Last semester, I took a semi-independent class for Trigonometry. I had to retake it even though I already took it in high school because the stupid credits didn't transfer.. but anyway, I HATED Trigonometry. I did fine but I didn't like it at all, and I love math. When we got to the chapter on vectors, I didn't remember learning that in high school (because I don't think we did) and I went to Jonathan for help because he's a big nerd. He explained about finding the horizontal and vertical values for the vector and then finding the resultants for both variables and using the Pythagorean theorem and BLAHBLAHBLAH.

:| <-- my face.

So he told me to do one of my assigned problems and he'd check to see that I did it right. I stared at the problem for a good five seconds. This is how it went down:
C: "I can't do it, help meeeee."
J: "Yes, you can. Look at it carefully. Draw a diagram first."
C: "WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE??"
J: *explains
C: *draws diagram. "WHAT DO I DO NEXT?"

It pretty much went this way for the whole problem. I would say I didn't know what to do, ask for help, get help from him, do that step, then ask for help with the next step. "What do I do next? ... What do I do next? ... What do I do next?" I was completely sure that I didn't know what to do and fully confident that Jonathan knew what he was talking about and that I should follow his directions fully.

That got me thinking... how often do I ask God "What do I do next?" I do sometimes, but I don't think I ask nearly as much as I need to. I'm constantly worrying about my future and I have this plan made out for myself - finish my studies at Cerritos College within 2-3 years and go to UCDavis or Cal Poly Pomona for Vet Med school. I often pray to God that He will continue to help me on this journey, but I'm mainly asking that He'll assist me in making my future plans successful. I don't think to ask what He wants of me and where He wants me to be... Sometimes I do ask, but I'm not really open to listening to what He has to say if it's not what I want to hear. I feel like I am fairly confident in my plan for myself and not really open to much of what God has to say... that doesn't really sound right... Maybe in a year, I'll have changed my major again (but ohmygoodness that would be so frustrating)! Maybe in five years, I'll be in Africa (only said Africa because there are lions there --> I like lions)! WHO KNOWS?! Not me, that's for sure. But God does... so why am I acting like I'm the one that knows best?

So as I stress out about my future plans, goals, and career, I think I need to take a step back and ask God:
"What do I do next?"

More than Useless

My insecurities have always been an issue for me. I have had painful experiences that have further damaged my self-esteem and I seem to have a skewed perception towards myself and the way others view me. At first, it was a struggle between modesty, confidence, and pride.. but then it became something more than that. Fear of rejection.. of inadequacy.. of letting people down and being an "inconvenience". Compliments turned into things people were just saying to be nice, and I'd even begun to feel awkward when I did receive compliments. I don't know how to respond anymore. Saying "thank you" seemed to me as if I were acknowledging my "successes" or more so, that I was boasting about how "good" I am. Simply put, I'm bad at receiving compliments.. and I didn't even think that was possible.

Well, enough of my backstory.. About a month ago, the college group service team had gone out to dinner and we'd taken surveys to find out our spiritual gifts. Things like this always make me feel uneasy... Back in the day, there were plenty of those pass-index-cards-around-and-write-a-compliment activities and I absolutely hated them. I felt like all the things written were lies or things people just wrote for the sake of writing something down.. and I just felt like there was nothing good to say, and this just zoomed in on that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a pity party - which is also what bugs me. Whenever I talk about my insecurities and someone says "No, but you are ____!" That is not what I'm asking for. That in itself makes me feel like I need to complain to a friend about how lowly I think of myself for them to spew up some nonsense to make me feel better. So.. I just don't talk about it. Anyway, my point was.. I was uncomfortable doing the exercise. Well, I did it and came up scoring highest in "mercy" and "exhortation". We were asked to share about our gifts and whether or not we thought we had those qualities.. I was at a loss of words, so I merely uttered that I hadn't thought much of what gifts I have because honestly, I don't feel like I have any -- even though that contradicts that I believe God has blessed everyone with a spiritual gift to use for His glory.

That day passed and I hadn't thought much of it.. well, what had actually inspired me to write this post was the phone conversation I just had with Jonathan about ten minutes ago. One of the things he said to me was "I think you have the gift of crying." Um.. what?? First off, I have acknowledged that I am a big baby and a "sympathetic crier", but.. a gift?? He further went on to explain with a bible reference.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15

I won't get into detail about the things he said to me, because the verse in itself is pretty self-explanatory.. but what an encouragement! Who knew my heavy heart would be a good thing? What he said made sense to me, but like I said.. receiving compliments really isn't my forte..

Long story short - the conversation ended like this:
"That's why I think crying is a gift, and that you have it."
"Well, in that case.. I am good at that."

As odd as this all sounds.. it was comforting.. maybe I am a little more than useless. :)